@TheHyyyype

[paying at chipotle]

ME: i got a burrito

CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars

ME: with guac

CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars

You Might Also Like

@sixfootcandy

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

Twitter: Hold my beer.

@Sickayduh

“I’m going to the post office. I need a place stamp”

Wtf is that?

“I dunno but this envelope says I need one here”

@AndyAsAdjective

Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?

Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.

Wife: I counted 19.

Me: Well I rounded down.

@BassoonJokes

The holidays are coming. If you do NOT want snakes please send me a notarized letter asking for NO SNAKES. Otherwise you are getting snakes.

@just1fool

Everyone is a genius until they try to use their friend’s microwave.

@fro_vo

Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect

@AmazingPhil

My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’

@stephenjmolloy

Job interviewer: What are your strengths?

Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?

JI: Yes.

Me: I’m very perceptive.

@EndhooS

Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”