Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
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“I’m going to the post office. I need a place stamp”
Wtf is that?
“I dunno but this envelope says I need one here”
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
The holidays are coming. If you do NOT want snakes please send me a notarized letter asking for NO SNAKES. Otherwise you are getting snakes.
Everyone is a genius until they try to use their friend’s microwave.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”