Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
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When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
This is a whole mood;
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy