I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
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If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Worth the read.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person