Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
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Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.