@jollyrobber

Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance

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@bornmiserable

[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.

@Ryan_Patricks

My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.

@JayCee302

Me: Yeah man, got her right where I want her

Bartender: Oh yeah?

Me: Yup, sitting at home while the cable man works on th

::rushes home::

@dlsims01

Invitations: $10
Cupcakes: $15
Facility rental: $100

Not having 20 kids in my house: priceless

Math of a mother

@3sunzzz

Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?

@KyleMcDowell86

*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*

@theames

Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.

@Vijaytiwari1611

Knock, Knock.
Who’s there?
Opportunity.
Don’t be silly – opportunity doesn’t knock twice!”

@IAmKashWah

Interviewer: How do you hit those high notes?
Adam Levine: I sold my soul to the devil.
Interviewer: Excuse me?
Adam Levine: Practice.