@Reverend_Scott

[paying the check at dinner]

ME: how much should I tip her?

COW WAITRESS: oh no

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@summerofbenny

I typed 18 beers into my calorie counting app, and it uninstalled itself.

@chancetherapper

Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.

@juliussharpe

My wife wants to have another kid. That’s like seeing light at the end of a tunnel and saying, “I think we better turn around.”

@philco816

Note on the bed side table read “this isn’t working,” but I put a quarter in and the bed still vibrates. I don’t know what her problem was.

@daemonic3

*gets down on one knee*

Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?

@jellybnbonanza

I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.

@BadassBarbie11

If you blow out the kid’s Birthday candles at enough parties, people will just stop inviting you to them.

@tonyhawk

Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?

Dad: that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health

Me: Dad, there’s an emergency

Dad: use your “always special” cheat code

Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight

@geekysteven

Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.