[paying the check at dinner]

ME: how much should I tip her?


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Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”


*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture


I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly


I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.


Say “Literally” and “Legit” a few more times in that sentence so I know it’s literally legit


Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.

Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.


My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.


when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”