[paying the check at dinner]

ME: how much should I tip her?


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Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.


[on a romantic dinner date]
girlfriend: *takes some of my fries*
me: *quietly puts engagement ring back into my pocket*


I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.


They should give Martin Shkreli a six-month prison sentence, and then at the last second, say, “Actually, that just went up 500%.”


The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.


My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.


An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.


[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib