“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
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I typed 18 beers into my calorie counting app, and it uninstalled itself.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
My wife wants to have another kid. That’s like seeing light at the end of a tunnel and saying, “I think we better turn around.”
Note on the bed side table read “this isn’t working,” but I put a quarter in and the bed still vibrates. I don’t know what her problem was.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
If you blow out the kid’s Birthday candles at enough parties, people will just stop inviting you to them.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.