@Reverend_Scott

[paying the check at dinner]

ME: how much should I tip her?

COW WAITRESS: oh no

You Might Also Like

@nayele18maybe

Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”

@ItsAndyRyan

*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture

@dumbbeezie

I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly

@Mom_Overboard

I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.

@RobElliottComic

Say “Literally” and “Legit” a few more times in that sentence so I know it’s literally legit

@SteveKoehler22

Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.

Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.

@Thedudish

My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.

@iamspacegirl

when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”