[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
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Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Don’t touch that.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
won’t smith
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Two types of dogs.