Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
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I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.