“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
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*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri