@thepoetknight

*pays $20 for deluxe car wash*

*hits roughly 3,287,998 bugs during 2 mile drive home*

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@Wames_Jaters

Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!

#hooters

@WarrenHolstein

Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.

@PMTheron1

How much for the best friend?

Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.

@thejamietighe

Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.

@KyloR3n

dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it

@JustASmirk

My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.

@meganamram

I can’t believe it’s 2012 and street signals are still only telling white people to cross

@ebruenig

Gandalf: It is in men that we must place our hope

Elrond: Have you seen their tweets