*pays $20 for deluxe car wash*

*hits roughly 3,287,998 bugs during 2 mile drive home*

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Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied


If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?


You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.


*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*

*you’re cured*


son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS


Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.

Which is basically the same thing.


wife: the turn was back there

me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. iโ€™ve been on twitter too much

wife: my name is karen

me: ughh this is different, karen


“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”

I just said that.


“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*