Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
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*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY