@thepoetknight

*pays $20 for deluxe car wash*

*hits roughly 3,287,998 bugs during 2 mile drive home*

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@BareChesty

Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied

@kimtopher22

If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?

@RdrJay47

You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*

*you’re cured*

@GrantTanaka

son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS

@EmmyStar79

Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.

Which is basically the same thing.

@FredTaming

wife: the turn was back there

me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. iโ€™ve been on twitter too much

wife: my name is karen

me: ughh this is different, karen

@Danny_McH2O

“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”

I just said that.

@3sunzzz

“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*