*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
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Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
Florida be like…
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts