The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
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my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!