@platinum2000

*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*

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@dragonsorbet

[2 months into relationship]

HER: you’ve changed

ME: [proudly] showered, too

@XplodingUnicorn

[getting ready for church]

Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.

6-year-old: Okay.

Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.

6: *gets dressed in record time*

@Beatonm5

what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????

@catstronomical

ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking

@FrazzleMyGimp

Priest: tell me your confessions

Me: I said the f word twice this week

Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else

@gato_fumando

i’ll have a burg please [waiter looks confused] a burg. a meat frisbee. a seared bovine disc. a hamburger sandwich. a bunned beefling my man

@Chicken_Hawk38

I just made my Chiropractor’s day by calling him Doctor in front of his mom.

@FU_TangClan

therapist: what do you see

me: Snoopy

therapist: this one?

me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football

therapist: I see. and now?

me: Lucy moved the ball

therapist: wtf this is the wrong book

@MartaEffing

Therapist: Do you project your problems onto others?
Me: Don’t flip out, but I feel like you’re asking me that to make yourself look smart.

@UncleDuke1969

Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.