[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
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[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
i’ll have a burg please [waiter looks confused] a burg. a meat frisbee. a seared bovine disc. a hamburger sandwich. a bunned beefling my man
I just made my Chiropractor’s day by calling him Doctor in front of his mom.
therapist: what do you see
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Therapist: Do you project your problems onto others?
Me: Don’t flip out, but I feel like you’re asking me that to make yourself look smart.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.