It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
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I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Google assistant rules
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
smh
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
What the hell is going on?
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it