peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
You Might Also Like
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
CRYING
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know