peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
You Might Also Like
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works