@poutinesmoothie: Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
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@claudiaa_haleyy: I hate that "You know what to do" voicemail greeting, because if a recently unfrozen caveman calls, I bet that makes him feel pretty bad.
@ehdannyboy: Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He's outside looking forlorn. Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it's there u prick
@NewDadNotes: [after dinner] Mugger: gimme your wallet. Me: may I keep my ID? Mugger: fine. Me: [velcro sound] Mugger: I can’t be seen with that. gimme your shoes instead. Me: [velcro sound] Mugger: you know what never mind.