@poutinesmoothie

Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.

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@mattchew81

A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”

@BryMastas

I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?

@kumailn

My favorite romantic comedy sub-genre is “Hugh Grant falls in love with someone for no reason.”

@NotEthanSmith_

Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?

Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault

@kimtopher22

Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.

@Darlainky

Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”

@cali_cathy

I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?

@wolfpupy

i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.

@ThaJawn

Stick: *drowning in ocean

Dog: I’ve been training my whole life for this..