Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.

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A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”


I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?


My favorite romantic comedy sub-genre is “Hugh Grant falls in love with someone for no reason.”


Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?

Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault


Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.


Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”


I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?


i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.


Stick: *drowning in ocean

Dog: I’ve been training my whole life for this..