I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
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Cashier: “Going camping?”
Due to a tragic “iTunes on shuffle” incident, I have had to convince the guys at work that I have a 12yr old daughter they have never met…
The Westboro Baptist Church is planning on picketing Fred Phelps funeral. I’m not sure they even know what they’re doing anymore, you guys.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
Nothing much worse than being forced to listen to someone else’s music and not be able to tell them their taste is shit.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]
sorry this might take a while…