Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
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Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
dogs can find happiness so easily
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾