Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
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Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
U talkin 2 me?
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.