peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
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When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.