grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beet
Conclusion: Snickers is a salad
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Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
D: *sighs* Did you stick an orange up your rectum
*orange falls out onto floor*
M: *mumbles* yes
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
There’s a difference between when a woman is furious and when she’s irate. It’s the difference between sleeping on the couch or in a casket.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.