@FU_TangClan
@McGrumpenstein
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
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@McGrumpenstein
@bourgeoisalien
Them: If you were stranded on a desert island with any two people, living or dead, who would they be?
Me: Can they both be dead?
@runawaycupcake
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
@me_all_over
Spank me once, shame on you.
Spank me twice, now we’re getting somewhere.
@SunnySideUp1987
Not to brag but I can produce cute children. DNA and all.
Call me?
@GeorgeTakei
And that about sums it up.
@tweetsvisual
This week on Twitter, i have talked to a cartoon bunny, a baby duck, a platypus that only speaks in haiku, tons of catfish and a chicken in a fox suit. So don’t tell me these drugs aren’t working.
@BrassBallsCJ
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
@TheTweetOfGod
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
@boom_goes_the
In biblical times, I would have given your dad so many goats for you.