arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beet
Conclusion: Snickers is a salad
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Them: If you were stranded on a desert island with any two people, living or dead, who would they be?
Me: Can they both be dead?
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
Spank me once, shame on you.
Spank me twice, now we’re getting somewhere.
Not to brag but I can produce cute children. DNA and all.
And that about sums it up.
This week on Twitter, i have talked to a cartoon bunny, a baby duck, a platypus that only speaks in haiku, tons of catfish and a chicken in a fox suit. So don’t tell me these drugs aren’t working.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
In biblical times, I would have given your dad so many goats for you.