@FU_TangClan

Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beet

Conclusion: Snickers is a salad

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@Amusitr0n

grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them

@CruisinSoozan

Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.

@caperbc75

Dr: …
Me: …
D: …
M: …
D: *sighs* Did you stick an orange up your rectum
M: No
*orange falls out onto floor*
D: …
M: *mumbles* yes

@OctopusCaveman

[Audition for the musical Cats]

Director: Act like a cat for me

Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you

Director: Perfect

@shesananteater

One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”

@alfageeek

When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.

@realHamOnWry

There’s a difference between when a woman is furious and when she’s irate. It’s the difference between sleeping on the couch or in a casket.

@Parkerlawyer

Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”

-me, walking into the kitchen

@_troyjohnson

First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”