Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
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[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
I need better friends
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?