(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!
*all the adults start screaming*
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
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I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
I’m posing nude for an art class. No one asked me to. I think they’re making ceramic bowls.
Judge: Your word is… Grease.
Me: Grease is the word?
Judge: Yes. Grease is the word that you heard.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Apparently when I’m at Olive Garden I’m family.
So why did they call the cops when I left without paying? My family never makes me pay.
This year’s theme for my kid’s birthay party was “I punched a clown and everyone learned a valuable lesson about phobias and alcoholism”
Just saw a billboard: $586.25 Complete cremation. 1) Is there partial cremation? 2) What’s the 25cents for?