@MooseAllain

“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”

You Might Also Like

@AimeeHelene1

(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!

*all the adults start screaming*

@BeTheCookie

I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.

@snmrrw

Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?

@DothTheDoth

Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.

@FattMernandez

I’m posing nude for an art class. No one asked me to. I think they’re making ceramic bowls.

@iamspacegirl

[Spelling Bee]

Judge: Your word is… Grease.

Me: Grease is the word?

Judge: Yes. Grease is the word that you heard.

@HonestToddler

They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.

@forcemajeure40

Apparently when I’m at Olive Garden I’m family.

So why did they call the cops when I left without paying? My family never makes me pay.

@drinksmcgee

This year’s theme for my kid’s birthay party was “I punched a clown and everyone learned a valuable lesson about phobias and alcoholism”

@ericas_twit

Just saw a billboard: $586.25 Complete cremation. 1) Is there partial cremation? 2) What’s the 25cents for?