@MooseAllain

“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”

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@chuuew

ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink

OCTOPUS: Oh hey

@Kids_kubed

Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?

Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?

Me: Divorce

@buttgh0st

COP: can anybody else describe the suspect?
JOHN LENNON: he got feet down below his knees
COP: anybody

@heytherecore

Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”

@Cheeseboy22

I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.

@better_off_dad2

*phone rings

Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’

Me: ‘Can you do it?’

@grammar_c**t

“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”

@dubiousgenius

Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.

@The_CamGirl

ME: I love the D
HER:Why?
ME:I love to lick them first
HER:…
ME:Then I love to swallow them
HER:…
ME:I love D

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