“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”

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ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink



Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?

Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?

Me: Divorce


COP: can anybody else describe the suspect?
JOHN LENNON: he got feet down below his knees
COP: anybody


Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”


I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.


*phone rings

Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’

Me: ‘Can you do it?’


“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”


Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.


ME: I love the D
ME:I love to lick them first
ME:Then I love to swallow them
ME:I love D

Dunkin’ Donuts Interview