[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
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Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
when someone rings the doorbell
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Ron is short for Aaronald
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap