[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
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What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Love is always patient and kind.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no