Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
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I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
This is enough internet for the day.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*