Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
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Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Breaking news:
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Stop being racist to kettles.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.