“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
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[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
who wants to go expliring
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.