Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
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Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
I don’t make the rules sorry
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Do not levitate over flowers
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.