Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
You Might Also Like
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
no such thing as a dumb question
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
I am patiently waiting for your email
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
m’lady
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.