Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
You Might Also Like
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
what’s more important?
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.