Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?

Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.

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The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.


“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
*throws football at my head*


*sees Earth trending*

*whispering to self* please don’t be dead, please don’t be dead, please don’t be dead


My boss told me to dress for the job I want, not the job I have. Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting in a Batman costume.


Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.

Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.


My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.


I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her


Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.