Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?

Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.

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My Starbucks guy just said, “Looks like you had a rough night!” …I didn’t even go out.


I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.


Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.

Her: I don’t believe I threw it.


Cashier: Big weekend plans?

Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.


the biggest power move i’ve ever pulled was, when a famous professor asked me what use my research served, looking him dead in the eye and saying “i have never been useful to anyone and i don’t intend to start now” like i’m never gonna top that and i should stop trying


[two bros pacing back and forth and flexing to prove they arent gay after accidentally reaching for the xbox controller at the same time]


[driving] Goddamn pedestrians

[walking] Goddamn drivers

[both] Goddamn cyclists


Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.