@ramblinma

Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?

Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.

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@E_lok44

The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.

@camelSWAG69

“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*

@DaddyJew

*sees Earth trending*

*whispering to self* please don’t be dead, please don’t be dead, please don’t be dead

@ColoChiver

My boss told me to dress for the job I want, not the job I have. Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting in a Batman costume.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.

Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.

@LaurelPlane

My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.

@meghaffer

I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her

@GianDoh

Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.