– Russian mattress repairman
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
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My Starbucks guy just said, “Looks like you had a rough night!” …I didn’t even go out.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
the biggest power move i’ve ever pulled was, when a famous professor asked me what use my research served, looking him dead in the eye and saying “i have never been useful to anyone and i don’t intend to start now” like i’m never gonna top that and i should stop trying
[two bros pacing back and forth and flexing to prove they arent gay after accidentally reaching for the xbox controller at the same time]
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.