Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
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Thursday Thought.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Your honor these allegations are
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Worst bar ever.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy