Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
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In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
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Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.