PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
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8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.