@AndrewChamings

PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.

KID: Okay.

PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.

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@KissabiX

*flicks cigarette*

Listen, if the Matrix is made up of numbers & you need to understand those numbers to dodge bullets. I’m dead af.

@BigBagOfScum

My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.

@relatabledad

[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*

@briangaar

Watching Home Alone. Did the family not have ANY friends they could call? “Yo we left our 8-year-old alone, can you get him & not call CPS?”

@rolldiggity

“What should we name this fruit?”
“Passion!”
“…”
“…”
“Let’s not let Todd name any more fruits.”

@Artemis_Ascends

Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?

Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.

@ericsshadow

[traffic stop]

COP: where ya headed?

ME: on my way home

COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*

ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you

@lincnotfound

toad: bowser has kidnapped the princess

king toadstool: what should we do?

toad: we need to call the plumbers

king toadstool: the plumbers?

toad: *looking at giant piranha plant in toilet* yes

@therealeatwood

MUGGER: Yo give me your wallet

ME: Stand back! I have a black belt in Shaq Fu

MUGGER: Huh?

ME: Hiii-YAH! [badly misses a free throw]