Listen, if the Matrix is made up of numbers & you need to understand those numbers to dodge bullets. I’m dead af.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
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My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
Watching Home Alone. Did the family not have ANY friends they could call? “Yo we left our 8-year-old alone, can you get him & not call CPS?”
“What should we name this fruit?”
“Let’s not let Todd name any more fruits.”
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Your body is a temple. Congrats on the expanding congregation!
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
toad: bowser has kidnapped the princess
king toadstool: what should we do?
toad: we need to call the plumbers
king toadstool: the plumbers?
toad: *looking at giant piranha plant in toilet* yes
MUGGER: Yo give me your wallet
ME: Stand back! I have a black belt in Shaq Fu
ME: Hiii-YAH! [badly misses a free throw]