PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.

KID: Okay.

PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.

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*flicks cigarette*

Listen, if the Matrix is made up of numbers & you need to understand those numbers to dodge bullets. I’m dead af.


My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.


[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*


Watching Home Alone. Did the family not have ANY friends they could call? “Yo we left our 8-year-old alone, can you get him & not call CPS?”


“What should we name this fruit?”
“Let’s not let Todd name any more fruits.”


Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?

Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.


[traffic stop]

COP: where ya headed?

ME: on my way home

COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*

ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you


toad: bowser has kidnapped the princess

king toadstool: what should we do?

toad: we need to call the plumbers

king toadstool: the plumbers?

toad: *looking at giant piranha plant in toilet* yes


MUGGER: Yo give me your wallet

ME: Stand back! I have a black belt in Shaq Fu


ME: Hiii-YAH! [badly misses a free throw]