[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
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[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.