Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
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This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
🤣could you imagine
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM