*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”

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My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.


( spelling bee )

Your word is “passive-aggressive”

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.


Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’

Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’


If Twitter has taught me anything it’s

[several hours later]

time management.


Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease


Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.


honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good


It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb


I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide


*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
*worm wiggles away*