*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
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I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????