Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
You Might Also Like
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
But that’s none of my business
Newspaper: A 6yo saved someone’s life.
*flashback to me finding a discount coupon on road*
ME: I also have big news.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy