Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
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There are pants in the bathroom trash can at work, so someone is having a worse day than you.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
If your Prius was a transformer his name would be Fagatron
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up