*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
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I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.