*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?

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Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.


There are pants in the bathroom trash can at work, so someone is having a worse day than you.


[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir

BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD


her: well don’t just stand there, say something

me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross

her: i said i’m pregnant matt

me: his hair could be the brush part


[clown cleaning shower]

MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.

[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]


If your Prius was a transformer his name would be Fagatron


Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.


Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”

Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”


People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.


Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up