@gingerfaced

[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me

[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not

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@Iwriteforcats

Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.

@iwearpajamas

My girlfriend talks to her dog like it’s going to talk back.

Kind of like when Christians talk to God.

@squirrel74wkgn

You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.

@GodShammGod9

My great grandma started to giggle at a barbecue and when I asked what’s funny she said ” everyone here is alive because I got laid “.

@kamtweeting

There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.

@Home_Halfway

“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article

@MrGirlDad

I shaved my beard at my wife’s request and she is now coming to terms with having married a chubby nine-year-old.

@Pro_Jones_

Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great

Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you

Me: *through tears* Decomposer.

@thevickster_sa

Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.

Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.

@aka_fatman

“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”

(silence)

(silence)

*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”