@gingerfaced

[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me

[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not

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@Sandrahadenough

Hubby: This dinner is not gonna make itself!!!!!

And that ladies and Gentleman is how I starred on “COPS”

@BlancheDD140

‘No Panties Tuesday’ is a thing, right?

Or AKA, I really need to do some laundry.

@djdarrellripley

Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.

Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?

Me: It depends on how they were raised…

@BallsMcBallski

The seventh rule of Fight Club is no one leaves until ALL the chairs are put away.

@Browtweaten

Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days

One guy who hates calendars: Finally

@MissAllison07

When I try on an outfit and it doesn’t make me look good, I just throw it on the floor. Like, No, you don’t deserve to be hung up, sit there and think about what you’ve done.

@Reel2Dialog2

Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.

@amydillon

I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.

@sarabellab123

Worst ways to die

1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose

@bylinetd

My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”