[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
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Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
“What?”
– Jude
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE