Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
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Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut