God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
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Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.