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@MikeDrucker

We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?

@AnniemuMary

Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.

@DannyZuker

“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes

@iamspacegirl

deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”

@ShortSleeveSuit

COP: are you armed

ME: yes

COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count

ME [sadly]: then no

@junejuly12

I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.

@Terfleaza

Told a priest, “Bless you” after he sneezed and he said, “Stay in your lane.”