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@Nikkeya08

I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…

@JBelk78

You think I’m over dramatic? When an octopus gets upset, it eats itself. THAT’S over dramatic.

@ArfMeasures

Son: Daddy, when does this end?

Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death

Son: I mean when does this party end?

Me: 7.30

@QwertyJones3

Someone die? Time to get high!

Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!

(BYO shovel)

@climaxximus

god: u can eat things twice ur size

snake: ok but how

god: go like 😮

snake:

god: then u just kinda :O

@BryceElder

Heard a guy talking about Belgian whistles.

“A basic website costs 10k, or 25k upwards if you want all the Belgian whistles,” he said.

Belgian whistles.

@LizHackett

Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.