Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
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For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
Every. Damn. Time.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.