Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
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Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.