@NewDadNotes

Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?

God: yes but you don’t need to fly.

Penguin: why?

God: you already live as far south as possible.

Penguin: oh yeah!

God: and you live there all year long!

Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )

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@Reverend_Scott

Fun Fact:

Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.

@bossy_bootz

I notice you only call when you want something

Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due

@ArfMeasures

Couples therapist: what scares you the most?

Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other

Me: when the washing machine goes really fast

@candyflippin

You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.

@sweetmomissa

You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.

@LaziestCanine

[teenage girl reading horoscope tweets]

“Gemini’s go to sleep when they are tired”

HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO ME

@palokin

Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.

@Dawn_M_

[making small talk at a party]

Hair products are so expensive these days. Do you think that’s why poor people look like shit?”

@AlmightyBored

What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?