Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
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I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
[teenage girl reading horoscope tweets]
“Gemini’s go to sleep when they are tired”
HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO ME
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
[making small talk at a party]
Hair products are so expensive these days. Do you think that’s why poor people look like shit?”
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?