[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
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(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
I could NOT have put it better myself.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.