@LuvPug

Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.

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@GlennPriceMann

Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.

@Senor_LongDong

[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?

Friend: yeah sure!

Me: *starts beatboxing*

@ArfMeasures

Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out

[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are

@ericsshadow

[me holding a door]

PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.

ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.

@ninjadinosaur1

I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.

@ARealTinderella

You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …

@TheAlexNevil

Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?

@Mardigroan

Teacher: Write what you know.

Student: *writes “what you know.”*