Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
You Might Also Like
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news