Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.

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Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.


Me: you want some trail mix?

Friend: yeah sure!

Me: *starts beatboxing*


Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out

Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are


[me holding a door]

PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.

ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.


I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.


Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.


You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …


Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?


Teacher: Write what you know.

Student: *writes “what you know.”*