LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
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feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
my first dose meeting my second
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Not today.. 😂
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.