mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
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[office party, 1842]
Ralph Waldo Emerson: The only gift is a portion of thyself
Me: Look Ralph, the rules to Secret Santa were very clear
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
If men are stronger than women why do male characters in video games need full plate armor while the women only need a chainmail bikini. Checkmate
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
*pins tutorial on how to uninstall Pinterest
So do people not like it when you tell them they could totally do better after meeting their spouse?
Flattery is hard.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
…u ok Nintendo?