[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
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when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
where the womens at?
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours