@DanMentos

[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*

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@TweetsByKaylee

mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?

me: i was driving

mom: where are you now?

me: walking the dog

mom: you need better excuses

me: it’s the truth

mom: then put the dog on

me: he’s uh driving

@TheToddWilliams

[office party, 1842]
Ralph Waldo Emerson: The only gift is a portion of thyself
Me: Look Ralph, the rules to Secret Santa were very clear

@PinkCamoTO

One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.

@clownesvanzandt

If men are stronger than women why do male characters in video games need full plate armor while the women only need a chainmail bikini. Checkmate

@Love_bug1016

I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.

@Brampersandon_

*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch

@ThaJawn

*downloads Pinterest

*pins tutorial on how to uninstall Pinterest

*uninstalls

@Vodkantots

So do people not like it when you tell them they could totally do better after meeting their spouse?

Flattery is hard.

@david8hughes

[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly