Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
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I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.