I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
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If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer