@living_marble

Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.

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@Hobo_Splendido

“did I catch you at a bad time?”

– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober

@deep_academic

I am an Indian and I can tell you that Brits take forever to leave. #Brexit #BrexitShambles

@HalfBakedHoney

I can’t wait to tell my grandchildren how many times I’ve survived the end of the world.

@Sickayduh

“Well, congrats. You’re a homeowner now. Any questions?”

“Yeah. Sam put those glasses on eBay, why didn’t the Decepticons just bid on em?”

@mbnels

Tech guy says: “When in doubt reboot. ” Okay, I’ve rebooted but i still don’t see how my boots have ANYTHING to do with a computer.

@KenJennings

SERIOUS TWEET: help I just put on hand lotion and now I can’t get out of this room

@Lisabug74

Family: So how did you two meet?

Me: Tinder.

Family: What’s Tinder?

Me: It’s a game site.

@dreamthievin

A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.

@Cunda22

If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.