@living_marble

Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.

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@therealeatwood

SATAN: Turn these stones into bread

JESUS: No

SATAN: Turn them into raspberry swirl cheesecake

JESUS: [clenching eyes shut] No

@sofarrsogud

ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]

This is niece.

@fro_vo

Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY

@Lhlodder

I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.

@ceejoyner

75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.

@karlainvt

I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.

@vivalamoi448

4 yo: Mommy, it feels so good. Me: What does? 4 yo: To be a gangster. Me: … Go tell your father I said to come here.

@Bandersnaaatch

Enjoyed the Nutcracker tonight.
(The ballet, not my signature sex move.)

@TheCatWhisprer

Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.