@OhNoSheTwitnt Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
@living_marble Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
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@OhNoSheTwitnt 
@therealeatwood SATAN: Turn these stones into bread
JESUS: No
SATAN: Turn them into raspberry swirl cheesecake
JESUS: [clenching eyes shut] No
@sofarrsogud ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
@fro_vo Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
@Lhlodder I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
@ceejoyner 75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
@karlainvt I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
@vivalamoi448 4 yo: Mommy, it feels so good. Me: What does? 4 yo: To be a gangster. Me: … Go tell your father I said to come here.
@Bandersnaaatch Enjoyed the Nutcracker tonight.
(The ballet, not my signature sex move.)
@TheCatWhisprer Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.