Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.

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SATAN: Turn these stones into bread


SATAN: Turn them into raspberry swirl cheesecake

JESUS: [clenching eyes shut] No


ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]

This is niece.


Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY


I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.


75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.


I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.


4 yo: Mommy, it feels so good. Me: What does? 4 yo: To be a gangster. Me: … Go tell your father I said to come here.


Enjoyed the Nutcracker tonight.
(The ballet, not my signature sex move.)


Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.